We all dream or fantasise about living another life in one way or another. Maybe after a bad day, or when works just not doing it for you, or when your dreaming and planning that next big holiday. We dream of what it would be like to be on that resort island, in a different job, if we were single again, or if we found the one and started that elusive family.
Sometimes even when we are living the “dream” with everything we thought we wanted that feeling doesn’t stop, we still sit and wonder what else is out there.
Sometimes we post on social media only the escapes we have, the holidays, the weekends and the small minority of moments in our lives we are deriving our enjoyment from. Our social media then becomes not just something we are trying to push to the outside world to show them how well we are doing, but also something we can flick through ourselves to remind ourselves why we are working so hard, and that we do get small patches of the dream every now and then.
Since starting on this journey, especially since leaving home last week, I find myself flicking less and less through the “good times” from home. Less and less looking at the parties I’m missing out on and the attractive girls on the arms of my friends. :Less and less at the new car, or big holiday that my friends are on. These things I have given away quite literally. I remember what I had to do to have those things and how big this world is and how short my life is.
I still use social media, I still mostly include just the good bits, I still play the game, but I notice this is becoming less and less important. Sure I probably should be needing that connection with the outside world now more than ever. And for many months in the next 12 months, sitting and writing this blog to an audience that I must completely imagine, will be my only connect with the outside world.
So as much as we all at some point fantasise or imagine that big tree change, sea change, gap year or massive life change, not many of us are prepared to make the sacrifices, pay the price, lose the wage, or walk away from the things that we have acquired, because we consider it a backwards step. I can tell you during that process that can be exactly what that feels like.
I persevered with moving on from these things because I knew that as nice as they were each one off them came with a little chain locking me into so many other commitments. The nice car and house require the big income which require the big hours, the ex girlfriend also required the same.
To try and fund that lifestyle 100’s of thousands were spent each year, but ultimately I was the same guy in the same place doing the same shit. In my last job and relationship I felt trapped, so I cheated on both regularly. At the same time, I loved both with everything I have. The girlfriend took it personally however the company was fine with it, allowing me to pursue what I wanted to in other industries.
This pursuit of these thoughts, dreams and ideas that usually just stay inside our heads never to see the light of day, its extremely disruptive to any attempt I have had at a normal life. Once I start to think about these other things I could be doing, a thought turns to a conversation, a conversation to a commitment and a commitment to a life changing set of decisions that continue to throw the world around me into turmoil.
A disruptor was how I was described during my business life, but also how my teachers probably would have probably chosen to describe me. The older I get, I realise I have always been this disruptor, always that kid that had to ask why 1,000,000 times, always had to see if there was another way to do things, not always because its better, but because its a different way.
I mentioned in the last blog about being a “change addict” but as I spend more time away from the face paced life of work, party, network, have fun, make money and have as much nice shit as possible to a more relaxed outback life I have more time to reflect on what some of the fallout of this addiction has.
I would estimate this has cost me close to $1,000,000 and every relationship to date and a few friendships no doubt. Its also given me a lot of the same, and right now, as I drive alone towards Canberra to surprise my dad for his 70th Birthday, I realise that it has given me this, this right now, this opportunity to at 36 years old, attempt one of the biggest and stupidest ideas I have had, to walk across Australia. They say you should never trust a salesman, but trust me, Im shitting myself about this one.
So After dropping my mate Brian in Adelaide I have had a lot of time on the road to myself, time to think. Flicking back through the past few years and also thinking of what lies ahead. I know Im not still clear on the why of this next adventure but there are little lessons coming through, or ones that I’m finally waking up to.
A part of my initial decision to do this was to show people what picking up and walking away into something new, completely left of field looks like. I thought the message would become clear and be more impactful when you walk away from everything whilst its still good, whilst the money is still there.
My drive conversations with myself start me to realise.
Why do I think other people need this lesson?
Are other people even needing this lesson?
Maybe this lesson isn’t for them?
Maybe this lesson is for me?
Am I trying to just teach myself that happiness, success, achievement can be achieved in many other ways in this lifetime. I haven’t finished defining this for myself, and I have been looking a lot to others for confirmation when I have it.
I was chasing it now at a discount.
I was no longer prepared to pay for my success!
I was no longer prepared to have my achievements measured in dollar signs!
I would no longer measure my happiness in likes, and the amount of people in the same room as me drinking my booze.
These are just state of mind, and I have complete ownership of them to do with what I want.
A measure of a successful life is not told to me by school, work, or those around me, its something I tell myself and feel myself.
Achievement is not marked out of 100 at uni or engraved on a plaque, the parameters are set by yourself and feel achievement weather you allow yourself too over not.
Happiness well thats something that we should be supported by many parts of our life, not just one, and we only need to see the spate of suicide in Hollywood to realise money cant buy that.
As I roll into Canberra, I realise I am about to see my whole family who has rocked up for this party. I realise this is one big part of my happiness. It makes me sad that this could be the last time I ever see some of them but more determined to get through it so I can.
As I roll into my sisters driveway unannounced my brother in law Stuart looks at me squinting trying to figure out who the homeless guy in the ute is in his driveway.
Once again, I feel like I am where I am meant to be, I am home.